Social Skills

Full attention: the first gift

The Rule of St. Benedict, one of the most influential books in Western Christian history, begins with a single word: Listen. Benedict asks his reader to incline the ear of the heart. That phrase is a good definition of listening: not just letting sound into your ears, but turning your whole self toward another person.

Your body shows whether you are listening before you say a word. Turn your shoulders toward the speaker. Look at their face most of the time (you do not need to stare). Put your phone face down, or better, in your pocket or bag. Stop doing other things with your hands. These small signals tell the other person: you matter more than anything else right now.

The hardest part of attention is inside your head. Most of us, while someone else is talking, are quietly rehearsing what we will say next. Your mind jumps to your own story, your clever reply, or your disagreement. When you notice this happening, gently set your sentence aside, the way you would set down a book, and bring your attention back to the speaker's words. You will not forget your thought, and if you do, it probably was not that important.

• Face them: shoulders and eyes toward the speaker.
• Phone away: out of your hand and out of sight.
• Hands still: stop doodling, scrolling, or packing up.
• Mind back: when you catch yourself rehearsing, return to their words.

Showing you are following

Good listeners are not silent statues. They give small signals that keep the speaker going: a nod, a soft 'Mm-hm,' 'Really?', 'Oh no,' or 'Wow.' These are called encouragers. They cost nothing and tell the speaker that the words are landing.

At a natural pause, especially after something important, try summarizing back what you heard in your own words. 'So you're saying the hardest part wasn't the move itself, it was leaving your grandmother?' A good summary does two things: it shows you were listening, and it gives the speaker a chance to correct you. If they say, 'Not exactly,' that is a success, because now you will understand better.

When something is unclear, ask. 'What do you mean by unfair?' or 'Wait, was this before or after the tournament?' A clarifying question is a compliment; it says you care enough to get it right.

Questions that open people up

Some questions close a conversation and some open it. Closed questions can be answered with one word: 'Did you like the trip?' 'Yes.' Open questions invite a story: 'What was the best part of the trip?' 'What was that like?' 'How did you get into that?' 'What happened next?' 'What surprised you?'

Try the three-deep habit. Ask one open question, listen to the answer, then ask a second question about something in that answer, and then a third about something in the second answer. Each question goes a little deeper into what the person actually cares about. For example: 'What did you do this weekend?' 'I went fishing with my dad.' 'Oh, where do you go?' 'This little lake up north.' 'What do you like about it?' 'Honestly, it's the only time we really talk.' Now you know something real.

Watch for the hijack. When someone tells you about their broken arm and you reply, 'Oh, I broke my arm once too, it was crazy...', you have taken the conversation away from them. A shared experience can help, but save it for later and keep it short. First ask about theirs: 'How did it happen?' (Starting conversations and handing the 'ball' back and forth are covered in unit 2; this section is about going deeper once someone is talking.)

Waiting your turn, and what to do when you don't

Plutarch, writing to a young man named Nicander about how to listen to a lecture, said that silence is a great ornament in a young person, especially when he does not interrupt the speaker but patiently waits for the end. He added a fine detail: even after the speaker stops, wait a moment, in case he wants to add or correct something.

Try the one-breath rule. When someone stops talking, take one quiet breath before you start. Often they will keep going with the most important part. In a group, if you have a thought, hold it; jot a word on paper if you need to. If someone else says it first, you can say, 'That's what I was thinking too,' and add one new thing.

Everyone interrupts sometimes. The fix is quick and graceful: stop, apologize, and hand it back. 'Sorry, I cut you off. Go ahead.' If someone interrupts you, you can say kindly, 'Can I just finish this thought?' and then finish it briefly.

Understand before you answer

James tells us to be swift to hear and slow to speak. Proverbs warns that answering a matter before hearing it is folly and shame. Ecclesiastes reminds us there is a time to keep silence and a time to speak. All of these teach the same order: understanding comes first, and answers come second.

Mary of Bethany is the picture of this. When Jesus came to her home, she sat at His feet and listened to His word, while her sister Martha hurried about serving. Jesus said Mary had chosen the good part. Listening, in this story, is not laziness; it is a form of love and worship.

This applies especially to adults and teachers. When a teacher explains an assignment, look up, write down the key points, and hold your questions until the explanation is finished (often the answer comes in the next sentence). When a parent or grandparent tells a story you have heard before, listen anyway and ask a new question about it. When you receive instructions from a coach or boss, repeat them back briefly: 'So, cones at the far line, then three laps?'

• With teachers: eyes up, pen ready, questions at the end.
• With parents and grandparents: ask one new question about the old story.
• With instructions: repeat back the key steps.
• With anyone: ask 'Is there anything else?' before you respond.

Listening in seminar

A good seminar is not a series of speeches. It is a conversation in which each speaker builds on what the last one said. The best seminar participants are often the best listeners, because they connect ideas others have missed.

Before you speak in seminar, try to link to someone else: 'I want to build on what Grace said about Odysseus lying...' or 'Eli, I think your point about chapter four actually supports the opposite view.' Use names. Point to the text when you can. Keep a small list in your notes of who said what, so you can come back to it.

Notice who has not spoken, and make room: 'Hannah, you were nodding. What do you think?' And notice if you have spoken three times while others have not spoken once; that is a good moment to listen.

Listening when you disagree

Disagreement is where listening matters most and happens least. Before you give your view, state the other person's view so fairly that they would say, 'Yes, that's what I mean.' Then ask, 'Did I get that right?' Only then give your own view. This is harder than it sounds, and it is one of the most powerful habits a person can build.

Benjamin Franklin describes in his Autobiography how he trained himself out of contradicting people abruptly. He stopped using words like 'certainly' and 'undoubtedly' and began his replies by noticing where the other person's opinion would be right before explaining where he saw a difference. He found that conversations went more pleasantly and that people were more willing to change their minds, including him.

Listening in disagreement does not mean giving up what you believe. It means you love the person enough to understand them first. You may find that you agree more than you thought, or you may find the true point of difference, which is far more useful than arguing past each other.