Social Skills

Reading the place setting

A place setting looks complicated until you learn its logic. The plate sits in the center. Forks go on the left. Knives and spoons go on the right, with the knife blade facing the plate. The bread plate sits at the upper left, above the forks, and the glass sits at the upper right, above the knife. A dessert fork or spoon may lie horizontally above the plate.

At a round table crowded with settings, it is easy to take your neighbor's bread or water. The "b and d" trick solves it. Under the table, touch each thumb to its index finger and hold the other fingers straight up. Your left hand makes a lowercase b (bread on the left) and your right hand makes a d (drink on the right). If someone takes your bread plate by mistake, say nothing; simply use the edge of your dinner plate.

Setting the table yourself is the best way to learn. Children can set the family table every night, and after a few weeks the pattern will be automatic.

• Left: forks (and the napkin, if not on the plate).
• Right: knife (blade toward plate), then spoons.
• Upper left: bread plate and butter knife.
• Upper right: water glass, then any other glasses.
• Above the plate: dessert fork and spoon.
• "b and d": bread left, drink right.

Napkin and utensils

Place the napkin on your lap soon after you sit down, or when the host does at a formal dinner. A large napkin can be folded in half with the fold toward you. Use it to dab your mouth before drinking and whenever needed. If you leave the table during the meal, put the napkin on your chair seat; at the end of the meal, place it loosely to the left of your plate. It never goes on the plate.

With several forks or spoons, work from the outside in: the utensil farthest from the plate is for the first course. When in doubt, glance at the host.

Americans and Europeans hold their utensils differently, and both are correct. In the American (zigzag) style, you cut with the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right, then set the knife on the plate's edge and switch the fork to your right hand to eat. In the continental style, the fork stays in the left hand, tines down, and the knife stays in the right, helping push food onto the fork. Choose one and use it smoothly.

Your utensils also send signals to whoever is serving. To show you are resting, place the knife across the top edge of the plate and the fork in the center (American), or cross them in an upside-down V with fork tines down (continental). To show you are finished, place fork and knife side by side diagonally across the plate, handles at about four o'clock, knife blade facing in. Once a utensil has been used, it rests on the plate, not on the tablecloth.

• Napkin: lap on sitting, chair when leaving temporarily, left of plate at the end.
• Outside in, course by course.
• Soup: spoon away from you; sip from the side of the spoon.
• Bread: tear off a bite-sized piece, butter it, eat it; repeat.
• Finished: fork and knife together at four o'clock.

Pacing: eating with others, not just near them

Good table pacing means eating at roughly the speed of the table. If you finish long before everyone else, the others feel rushed; if you are far behind, the table waits for you. Take small bites, set your fork down between some of them, and look up to talk. Franklin's first virtue, Temperance, began with the rule "Eat not to dullness," a reminder that a meal is not a race to fullness.

Two rules go together: chew with your mouth closed, and do not talk with food in your mouth. Small bites make both easy. If someone asks you a question just as you have taken a bite, finish chewing, swallow, then answer. People will wait.

Some common mistakes have simple fixes. Elbows stay off the table while you are eating (resting them between courses is fine at a casual meal). Your phone stays off the table entirely. If you find a bone or pit in your mouth, remove it the way it went in (with a fork or with your fingers) and set it on the edge of your plate. If you spill, quietly blot it with your napkin, apologize once, and let the host help.

Passing, waiting, and saying grace

At a family-style meal, dishes travel to the right (counterclockwise), so everything moves in one direction and nothing collides. If someone asks for the salt, pass the salt and pepper together; they are a pair. Pass pitchers and serving utensils with the handle toward the next person. Instead of reaching across someone, ask: "Would you please pass the potatoes?" If a dish is passing you on its way to someone else, do not stop it to serve yourself first.

Wait to begin eating until everyone is served and the host lifts a fork or invites you to start. At a large banquet table, it is acceptable to begin once those around you are served, or when the host says, "Please go ahead."

In Christian homes, the meal often begins with grace, a short prayer of thanks. As a guest, wait quietly to see whether your hosts say grace, and join respectfully if they do. If you are invited to pray, a few sentences are plenty: thank God for the food, the hands that prepared it, and the people at the table. Saint Benedict wanted his monks to pass things to one another so attentively that no one would need to ask; that is a lovely goal for any table.

• Pass to the right. Salt and pepper travel together.
• "Please pass the..." instead of reaching.
• Begin when the host begins.
• Offer the dish to your neighbor before serving yourself, then pass it on.

How to give a short toast

Toasts honor someone at a birthday, anniversary, graduation, wedding, or homecoming. They should be brief, warm, and about the honoree, not about the speaker. Thirty seconds to a minute is ideal.

Here is a simple pattern. Stand (or, at a small casual table, simply raise your glass). Wait for quiet; do not bang on the glass. Say who you are if not everyone knows you. Tell one specific, kind story or quality. End by inviting everyone to raise their glasses, and name the person. Water, juice, or sparkling cider is perfectly fine in the glass. If you are the one being toasted, stay seated, do not drink to yourself, and say thank you afterward.

• 1. Stand or raise your glass, and wait for quiet.
• 2. "For those who don't know me, I'm Anna, Grandpa's oldest grandchild."
• 3. One quality or story: "Every summer he taught me to fish, and he never once complained about untangling my line."
• 4. "Please raise your glasses to Grandpa. Happy eightieth birthday!"
• Avoid: inside jokes, embarrassing stories, and long speeches.

The host's work

A good host thinks about the guests before they arrive and attends to them the whole time. Greet each guest at the door by name, take coats, and offer a drink. Introduce guests who do not know one another. Seat people thoughtfully: Plutarch records a dinner where the host let guests choose their own seats, and a grandly dressed latecomer took offense and left, which started a discussion about whether hosts should arrange their tables. A simple seating plan, with the guest of honor beside the host and shy or new guests next to friendly ones, prevents many problems.

Serve guests before yourself and older guests before younger ones. Watch the table: who has an empty glass, who has not spoken, who cannot reach the bread. Draw quiet guests into conversation with a question. At the end, walk guests to the door and thank them for coming.

Jesus told a host to invite those who cannot return the invitation: the poor, the lame, the blind. Christians have taken that seriously for centuries. A Christian household can practice it simply: invite the widower, the new family, the international student, the classmate who is rarely invited anywhere.

• Before: plan seating, set the table, make sure there is something everyone can eat.
• At the door: greet by name, take coats, offer a drink, introduce.
• At the table: serve guests first, watch for needs, draw in the quiet.
• At the end: walk guests to the door and thank them.

The guest's part

A good guest makes the host's work easier. Reply to an invitation promptly. Arrive on time, not early (the host may still be cooking) and not more than a few minutes late. Bring a small gift if appropriate: flowers, a dessert, a jar of jam, or something you made. Mention any serious food allergy when you accept, not at the table.

Eat what is served graciously. Take at least a small portion of each dish, try it, and say nothing negative about the food. If you truly cannot eat something, leave it quietly. In Little Women, when Jo's first dinner party goes badly wrong and the strawberries turn out to be sprinkled with salt, Laurie keeps eating without complaint; it is a picture of how a guest can protect a host's dignity.

Offer to help: "May I help clear?" If the host declines, accept that. Leave at a reasonable time; when the host begins clearing up or conversation winds down, that is your cue. Thank the host in person as you leave and again in a short note or message within a few days, naming something specific.

• Reply to invitations promptly.
• Arrive on time; bring a small gift.
• Try a little of everything; no complaints about the food.
• Offer to help clear; accept a no.
• Thank in person, then in writing within a few days.